Living with someone who is self-obsessed takes a toll on your own wellness and well being. If your husband is a narcissist, divorce might be the best selection.

When I became a mother, I felt it was my duty and responsibility to provide a rubber and stable environment for my children. Going into my divorce from my narcissistic ex-husband, I kept that sentiment in the forefront of my encephalon.

I did not want our kids to ever retrieve their dad and I together. If I stayed, I would be showing them that abusive behavior should be endured and accepted. I had a zero tolerance policy for the abuse, but no matter what I did, he connected to be calumniating to me (and to them).

So I got out.

I have never looked dorsum. Divorcing was the all-time decision I have ever made. Although I have been divorced for 14 years, to this twenty-four hour period, I nonetheless feel every twenty-four hours since has been like Christmas morning. That sounds harsh, but information technology is truthful. Every day he is not in the house, and knowing that I don't take to alive with him is a gift. Living with a narcissist, or whatsoever form of consistent and continual abuse, takes a price on your health. I felt an enormous weight lift the moment I filed and gear up the ball rolling.

I have done quite a bit of contained research on the subject of divorcing a narcissist. Leaving an abuser is the nigh dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence. I read somewhere years ago that in domestic homicide men kill their wives to forestall them from leaving, and women impale their husbands to escape the corruption. 95% of the fourth dimension in a domestic homicide, the female person is the victim, and often an try to set boundaries or keep herself (and oft her children) safe triggers the violence.

If you decide to divorce, know that narcissists crave attention and will oft make the divorce process ugly, long, and drawn out.

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What To Look Out For

Narcissists volition employ a plethora of tactics: stirring the pot, creating division, sabotaging, attacking the messenger, emotional plea bargaining, and casuistic arguments, to name a few.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the nearly important lesson to larn is that domestic violence is about ability and control. In the years leading upward to my divorce, I never felt able to articulate what was happening. I had no real feel with narcissism or emotional abuse, or even knew that there were people in the world who, despite telling y'all that they loved you, would actively be working in a concerted effort to make your life miserable. I felt so naive.

When you divorce a narcissist, you have to be careful.

Read everything yous can about narcissism. Brainwash yourself and get a plan.

I had to read in secret, and looking back, it was dangerous for me to have the material in the house, but the book The Verbally Calumniating Human relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans, probably saved my life. I read it from cover to cover in i twenty-four hours while my ex was at work. I couldn't finish. I devoured it. It was the offset time I felt validated and had words to depict the life I was living. I yet take a re-create of her volume on my shelf, and I sent one to his mother (who had been abused by her husband for 40 years) and one to his sister the solar day after the divorce was finalized. Her volume opened my eyes and gave me a vocalism. Her words helped me to plan a way out. She says in her introduction that,

" many had tried every avenue, every approach, to meliorate their relationship: explaining, overlooking, asking, begging, individual and joint counseling, living their lives as independently every bit possible, meeting their own needs, not asking "too much," settling for less and less, being undemanding, being agreement. Zippo seemed to piece of work."

I had tried everything. Later I read her book, I knew that I had had enough.

There are many books bachelor on narcissism. There is A TON of data on the internet to help you navigate through the experience, but I don't see how her book could always steer you in the incorrect direction. I love having her volume on my shelf. I feel gratitude to Patricia Evans for her insight and clarity. I e'er will.

Changes In Behavior

My ex-married man would act completely differently when nosotros were around other people. I knew early on that I needed to be around other people as much equally possible, peculiarly at the house. The only time I actually had to worry, was when nosotros were alone. I kept a journal that listed times and dates of calumniating behavior. This was of import for me considering narcissists intentionally muddied the waters.

Generally, in an abusive relationship the abuser will deny the corruption, and oftentimes there is no one to witness the abuse considering it happens behind closed doors.

If the abuse happens behind closed doors, then one has to make the supposition that the abuser knows that his beliefs is not accepted by club. The realization that your married man knows what he is doing is wrong is probably the hardest hurdle to footstep over, but once you know in your middle that his behavior is intentional, and that he is doing information technology in secret, your options narrow downwards pretty apace. I knew I could never remain married to someone who behaved this style.

Delaying Proceedings

If yous are in a relationship with a narcissist, your human relationship is an illusion. The quicker you realize this, the ameliorate. GET OUT! Do not delay divorce proceedings. There is no reason to continue in the relationship hoping that your married man volition someday suddenly sympathise what hurts y'all. Your efforts to explicate and bring common understanding and respect to the human relationship will neglect. If there is no goodwill in your human relationship (or but goodwill from one partner), the issues you are having tin never be addressed. Many women insist on trying to "make it work" for WAY also long. Just trust me, they volition not change, cut your losses and move on.

Harassment

Harassment is governed by state laws, which vary by state, just is generally divers as a form of conduct which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms, or puts a person in fear of their safety.

With a detailed journal and whatever documented show, a narcissist can hardly not break this law.

Once yous commencement to expect alter and fix limits, the corruption will likely get worse.

A narcissist may (most probable will) engage in harassment or abusive tactics. You must not allow him to deter y'all. The all-time option may be to plan privately without him knowing.

Later your inquiry, you may know that you are planning to divorce. I would be wary of discussing a divorce with your married man until y'all accept taken some time to make your escape in the safest style possible. Anything yous say or do that can exist construed as confrontational (which is pretty much everything) will be used against you.

Mutual abusive tactics:

  • Withholding
  • Discounting
  • Verbal abuse disguised equally jokes
  • Blocking and diverting
  • Accusing and blaming
  • Judging and criticizing
  • Trivializing
  • Undermining
  • Threatening
  • Proper noun calling
  • Ordering
  • Deprival
  • Calumniating anger

Silent Handling

Manipulation through silent treatment is one of the many tactics a narcissist volition use against yous. My ex did it all the fourth dimension when he didn't go his way. I looked up the definition. Silent treatment is defined as : a refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires the communication. It may range from just sulking to malevolent calumniating controlling beliefs.

My ex would do this for days at a time (weeks sometimes) until I caved in to him. At the end, I knew I was filing papers in a few weeks and just let him do information technology, merely you lot do need to be careful because information technology can escalate.

Ploys For Attention

All of the to a higher place tactics are used in club to elicit a response from you. Abide your time and permit all of it go. Allow the Narcissist to win any boxing he starts correct at present. Stick to your plan, ready a date to file, and then execute.

Keep a journal. Since narcissists will prevarication and deny abuse (peculiarly subsequently you have filed), it is imperative that yous document abuse when information technology happens. I had to be careful not to have it found, but I had a journal at first, and and so after the divorce a spiral notebook listing the day, the time, and whatsoever effect that occurred. Put in every bit much detail as you can, and if you are afraid, include the details as to why.

Using Children

If you have kids, and a custody battle is looming, then it becomes an easy choice to do right by them. A narcissist has lilliputian to no empathy and volition use the kids as pawns to go what they want. You must counter that with impeccable and predictable stable behavior. If you do get corruption on tape (especially if the kids are involved), inquire your chaser to have a courtroom approved transcription fabricated of the record to give to the gauge before courtroom.

Don't React To Their Behavior

If you lot can tape or record any calumniating beliefs it will be illuminating in court, however, for this approach to work, you must live past the following mantra: Have THE HIGH ROAD EVERY SINGLE Fourth dimension. I cannot stress this enough. The narcissist is trying to elicit a response from you. Practise NOT Give HIM ANYTHING HE Can USE Confronting You. This becomes easier the moment you acquire that he wants you to lose control. Don't give him anything that tin be used confronting you lot in court.

Permit The Narcissist To Win

In that location are means to respond to a narcissist. Once you have set up boundaries, and especially after you have decided to divorce (either known by him or not), the best defence is to disengage and permit the narcissist to win. Everything y'all do in goodwill to help the relationship will be undone.

Limit Contact & Set Boundaries

Prepare limits and establish boundaries. All exact corruption violates your boundaries.

Accept no unnecessary contact or conversations with your soonhoped-for ex. If you must take contact, try to have contact via text or electronic mail (more evidence of abuse if there is any) and keep in heed that there are harassment laws nearly unwanted contact.

Exercise Non PLAY. I cannot stress this enough. If your presentlyhoped-for ex violates the law, you absolutely MUST file a police force written report and start a paper trail with the police force in your metropolis. The crime must be reported in the metropolis where the event takes place, so I was in and out of police force departments in the cities around our abode until he realized that I would not dorsum down. At that place is nix you can do to modify his behavior, but i of a narcissist'southward weakest links is that they don't want to be "establish out." If you are diligent about taking the loftier route, and making sure to file reports every single time a offense is committed, information technology is just a affair of fourth dimension until he is in problem with the law. Let me repeat…the quickest (and in my view simply) way to significantly meliorate your chances of being free of him is to nip it in the bud from the go-become. I simply told him that any time he broke the law I would exist filing a report. That is what I did. I recorded conversations, used video on my phone, anything and everything at my disposal and legal, I did.

Go A Divorce Chaser

Go a counselor and/or lawyer who is experienced with narcissism. Advocate for yourself and make sure your chaser (and your advisor) is educated on the characteristics of egotistic behavior. There are some benefits that come with being the i who files (another reason to be careful with what you tell him). When y'all file for divorce, frequently they are given some fourth dimension to vacate (my ex had ii weeks to find somewhere to go, so the kids and I had to stay elsewhere during that time); accept a plan in place, and exist careful with what documents you exit at the house. I had all of our birth certificates, and important documents with me for the ii weeks we had to be out of the house.

When you lot file for divorce (or subsequently he has vacated the premises), at that place are a few things to do at one time: alter the locks at your firm (my ex refused to leave and I came back after two weeks with the sheriff -to enforce the decree- and a locksmith), and go to the police department and tell an officer that you are nervous about the state of affairs and ask them to come up over and look for weaknesses into your home. NOTE: be kind to your police officers. You may have to bargain with them. You need them. They desire to help, and they do aid. They are your ally, treat them as such.

Prepare For The Long Haul

You lot may need to open a personal bank account in your name before yous file. I besides moved over the little savings our children had at the time and put them in my name until the custody battle. I did not want him to drain their accounts. He tried two days later I filed.

A narcissist will not get down lightly, then it will be important to exist organized. Keep a three ring folder going with all courtroom documents and your journals.

Lastly, and this is the virtually brutal, if yous have children together, your diligence must never terminate. You lot are in for the long-booty. Start good habits early, and maintain.

When I went through all of this years ago, I felt such a sense of relief in knowing that there were people in the globe who knew what I was going through. Unless you lot have experience with a narcissist, it is extraordinarily hard to explain what it is like. You have a right to experience safe in your relationships. If you are reading this, know that once you get-go taking the steps y'all need to, and begin to repossess your life, yous volition become more whole. Beliefs is a pick. Choose to live the best life you lot can.

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